I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
