In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
