my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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