Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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