Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
