I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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