Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
