Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
