My friends, they love my intelligence
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
