Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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