i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
