Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
