That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
