she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
