I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
