I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
