fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
