I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
