Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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