I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
