he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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