call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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