It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
