I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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