apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
