One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
