We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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