Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
