My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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