This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
