They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
