Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
