Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
