he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
