Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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