The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
