my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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