Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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