i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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