Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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