Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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