I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
