I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
