Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
