I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
