watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
