I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
