I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the condom got lost in my hair
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
