If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
