I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
