note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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