I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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