i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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