This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
