just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This baby is an asshole
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
