I bet he comes in French.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
