Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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