we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
